Big Foot Days

Greetings from the Diamond D Ranch, where the men are all strong and the women are all beautiful. Not so much the rest of Happy Camp, where I am told that should I find a man with teeth, I should consider him a keeper. And so, hoping to find such a specimen, I joined my family for the Happy Camp Big Foot Days Parade.

Now, I don’t own a car, but if I were driving one in a parade, I would naturally wash it first. Wouldn’t you? No? Then y’all come and join in!

I swear this town pulled its parade participants out of a halfway house. The Big Foot Queen’s only qualification seemed to be that she filled out the pink dress provided for the occasion; the Indian float featured young boyz with feathers in their headbands looking like those stereotypes that would get any other group beat up if they tried it. Best of all was Big Foot In A Cage, who would occasionally escape and attempt to terrorize the children – who seemed either medicated or naturally stuporous, although they would on occasion wander into the street to pick up candy thrown by the paraders. Throwing candy seems to be a tradition here, giving the young’uns a head start on their dentally-challenged adulthood.

And since the assembled townspeople looked like a casting call for Deliverance, I despaired of finding the toothy man of my dreams and went home. With my candy.